Introduction
The desire to be liked is a deeply ingrained aspect of human psychology. Whether seeking approval from family, friends, colleagues, or strangers, achieving social acceptance provides a sense of belonging and validation. This preference for likeability is not just anecdotal; it has roots in evolutionary psychology and is reinforced by modern social and professional structures. However, as much as people value being liked, the exclusive pursuit of this goal can become a barrier to growth, self-expression, and leadership.
In the business world, where decisions often involve navigating conflicts of interest and imposing difficult truths, achieving universal approval is nearly impossible. Professionals—especially leaders—must confront the reality that some decisions, actions, or values will inevitably face disapproval. Being disliked is sometimes an indicator of making bold and necessary decisions, prioritising progress and integrity over convenience or popularity.
This whitepaper explores the psychological foundation of the desire to be liked, highlights the benefits of accepting the likelihood of being disliked, and provides academic research alongside practical strategies to develop resilience. It is aimed at business professionals who balance their commitment to authenticity with the universal desire for approval.
The Psychology of Wanting to Be Liked
Evolutionary and Biological Roots
Psychologists and anthropologists alike attribute the desire to be liked to evolutionary factors. For early humans, survival depended on collaboration and group cohesion. Being ostracised from the group could mean facing predators, starvation, or other dangers alone. As a result, traits such as cooperation, empathy, and seeking approval became almost hardwired into our behavioural repertoire.
Even now, feedback mechanisms like oxytocin—often dubbed the “bonding hormone”—reward us for positive social interactions. A compliment, a nod of approval, or a “like” on social media can trigger feel-good chemicals, reinforcing behaviours that foster social acceptance. This evolutionary programming explains why criticism or rejection often feels disproportionately painful; we are biologically conditioned to interpret disapproval as a threat to survival.
Modern Relevance in a Business Context
In the workplace, being liked has tangible benefits: stronger networks, smoother collaborations, and mentorship opportunities. Building rapport with colleagues and clients allows professionals to gain trust and credibility. Daniel Goleman’s work on emotional intelligence highlights that interpersonal skills are critical to long-term career success and underlines the importance of fostering positive relationships.
Unfortunately, the professional world rarely allows for universal admiration. Effective leaders must often make difficult decisions—layoffs, budget reallocations, or unpopular strategies—that may create short-term friction. Leaders who constantly aim to please everyone are more prone to indecisiveness, poor boundaries, and burnout. Research from Forbes indicates that prioritising respect over likability leads to better long-term outcomes, even if it means enduring initial discomfort.
The Cost of Overvaluing Likeability
While the desire for acceptance is neither surprising nor inherently harmful, overreliance on others’ approval has significant downsides.
Psychological Strain
Attempts to always be liked—whether in the form of people-pleasing, conflict avoidance, or excessive conformity—can have psychological repercussions. Psychologists have coined the term *approval addiction* to describe the compulsive need to seek external validation. Persistent approval-seeking can lead to feelings of inauthenticity, anxiety, exhaustion, or imposter syndrome.
A study conducted by Fitzsimons and Shah (2008) in the Journal of Social Psychology emphasised that people who rely heavily on external validation report heightened levels of stress and dissatisfaction with their decision-making processes. Constantly seeking approval limits autonomy, creating a cycle of dependency where one’s sense of worth is tied to others’ opinions.
Career Limitations
Professionals who prioritise being liked may struggle to assert themselves in key situations—such as advocating for a raise, setting boundaries, or driving organisational change. According to research by Stanford University on leadership traits, leaders tend to earn both admiration and criticism precisely because they are willing to take risks that may polarise opinion.
Failing to embrace the reality of being disliked can stifle innovation and creativity. Fear of judgment can keep individuals from voicing dissenting opinions, suggesting bold ideas, or taking unconventional approaches to problem-solving.
Embracing Dislike as a Strength
Accepting being disliked is not about rejecting the importance of relationships or disengaging from emotional intelligence. Instead, it is about reframing dislike as a natural result of impactful and authentic decision-making.
The Relationship Between Authenticity and Dislike
Research from the *Journal of Business Ethics* (2015) suggests that authentic leaders are more successful because they inspire trust and confidence, even if they do not strive to be universally popular. Authenticity entails making decisions aligned with personal and organisational values, sometimes requiring choices that some individuals may resist or critique. While temporarily uncomfortable, this style of leadership fosters credibility.
When professionals embrace their authentic selves—including their imperfections—they build meaningful connections with others who appreciate their honesty. Although dislike may arise, deeper respect and trust often outweigh it.
Why Disapproval Indicates Progress
Aristotle’s quote, “There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing,” remains highly relevant in the business world. Growth—personal, professional, and organisational—necessitates disruption. Disruptive changes often lead to pushback, especially from those who feel threatened by new ideas or uncertain futures.
Being disliked can be a sign that an individual is taking decisive action. Harvard Business School’s leadership frameworks identify “constructive conflict” as essential to progress. Leaders who embrace the tension created by resistance are often the ones who drive lasting, positive impacts.
Practical Strategies to Get Comfortable with Being Disliked
The following sections provide actionable strategies for professionals to embrace the discomfort of being disliked without abandoning core values or interpersonal relationships.
1. Define and Anchor Yourself in Core Values
Strong personal values are a compass during times of conflict or criticism. When professionals have clarity on their principles, external opposition tends to lose its sting.
How to Identify Your Values:
Reflect on the principles that shape your decision-making, leadership style, and long-term goals. Consider questions such as:
– What do I want to stand for personally and professionally?
– What matters more to me: being liked or achieving my vision?
– Are my decisions aligned with my values, even if they make some people uncomfortable?
Actionable Tip:
Write a personal or organisational manifesto that outlines key values and beliefs. Review it whenever you feel shaken by criticism.
2. Develop Emotional Resilience Through Self-Reflection
Resilience is the ability to process and tolerate discomfort without losing focus. Getting comfortable with being disliked involves distinguishing between the discomfort of disapproval and genuine threats to your personal or professional integrity.
Techniques for Building Resilience:
– Mindfulness and Journaling: Record instances where you faced disapproval. Reflect on how you handled the situation and whether the outcome aligned with your values.
– Cognitive Reframing: Reinterpret criticism not as a reflection of your worth but as evidence of boldness and decisiveness.
Actionable Tip:
Create a habit of logging critical feedback in a journal. For each entry, write what you learned from the experience and how it strengthened your decision-making process.
3. Understand the Role of Constructive Feedback
Not all criticism should be ignored. Learning to differentiate between valuable feedback and unconstructive negativity enables growth.
Steps to Evaluate Feedback:
– Consider the source. Is the person offering critique informed, credible, or invested in your success?
– Filter feedback through the lens of your values. Does the criticism reveal a potential blind spot or area for growth?
Actionable Tip:
Actively seek constructive criticism from mentors or trusted leaders. When receiving feedback, thank the individual for their perspective and reflect on actionable changes you can make.
4. Set Boundaries Fearlessly
People who fear being disliked often overcommit to gain approval. Setting and maintaining boundaries is essential for balancing authenticity with professionalism.
Key Steps to Establishing Boundaries:
– Learn to say no without overexplaining.
– Prioritise tasks and relationships that align with your goals, even if it means disappointing others occasionally.
Actionable Tip:
Craft scripts for declining requests gracefully but firmly, such as: *“I appreciate you asking, but I’ve decided to focus on other priorities right now.”*
5. Practice Being Disliked Incrementally
Gradual exposure to discomfort builds immunity to its emotional impact. Avoidance strengthens aversion, but minor, deliberate confrontations with disapproval foster confidence.
Actionable Tip:
Start by embracing minor instances of dislike, such as voicing a dissenting opinion in a team meeting or delivering constructive criticism to a peer. Reflect on the experience and note how it becomes easier over time.
6. Redefine Success in Terms of Integrity, Not Popularity
Shift your success metrics from external approval to internal alignment. Evaluate whether your actions uphold your principles, solve real problems, and produce meaningful outcomes.
Actionable Tip:
Ask yourself at the end of each day: Did I stay true to my values today? Instead of Did everyone like me today? Reward yourself for making principled decisions, even when they invite criticism.
7. Build a Support Network of Like-Minded Professionals
Surround yourself with individuals who understand and support your commitment to authentic leadership. Trusted colleagues and mentors can offer perspective, encouragement, and guidance during criticism.
Actionable Tip:
Join professional associations or mastermind groups where you can share experiences with peers who face similar leadership challenges.
Conclusion
Learning to embrace being disliked is a critical skill for any business professional. While the desire to be liked remains a natural aspect of human behaviour, it should never come at the expense of authenticity, progress, or integrity. Accepting the discomfort of disapproval allows professionals to make bold decisions, lead with clarity, and gain respect over time. Individuals can navigate professional environments with confidence and authenticity by adopting principles such as aligning with personal values, reframing criticism, and developing resilience. The path to meaningful success will always spark friction, but those who embrace being disliked as a by-product of decisive, values-driven leadership will thrive in the long run.
